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Patch 1.322

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Due to serious allegations by our own staff that our game is a rip-off of an older version, we will be renaming the game to Elephant Towel Defense. As such, all Towers will be replaced with Towels, and all creeps will be humanized and renamed to Unfortunate Bystanders. This change will redefine Towel Defenses everywhere. However, we have too little work and too much time, so those changes will take some time to implement. In the meantime, below is a preview of the next patch, to be released on Saturday, April 2nd.



  • Patch 1.4 was considered incredibly OP and was nerfed by a random and unbiased percentage. It will now be referred to as Patch 1.322.
  • The Leaderboard has been renamed to the Democracyboard. Now, your Replays will be voted upon by the entire DOTA 1 & 2 communities, as well as Twitch Chat.
  • Fixed a minor bug that allowed Icefrog to balance the game.
  • Fixed an exploit that prevented Firetoad from developing the game.
  • Fixed an issue that allowed players to select Normal Difficulty.
  • Interest now gives you gold based on how much interest the internet has given to the game.
    • Due to balance reasons, Reddit has been excluded from consideration.
  • Constantly selling all of your towers prior to every Interest tick is now mandatory. Failure to do so will decrease your APM, and if you fall below 300 APM, you will be banned from playing the game. We advocate high intensity edge-of-your-seat levels of play that can only be achieved by abusing core game mechanics so that casters can remark how amazing your selling tactics are every 15 seconds.
  • Due to lack of use, the Abyssal Underlord has been removed from the game.


  • Difficulties have been revamped
    • Normal has been changed to Easy Mode, which is required for any of our SC2 Element TD players.
    • Hard has been removed from the game.
    • Very Hard is not a real word.
    • Insane has been replaced with Bullet Hell Lunatic Mode, which requires your Builder to dodge and defeat creeps swarming from all directions simultaneously. Any time you get hit, one of your towers is randomly removed from the game's code.
  • Rush Mode was rushed in development. We apologize for taking so much time on it. It has been changed to Strolling Mode. All creeps will now take their time to appreciate the view and occasionally stop to check out your towers.
  • Chaos Mode causes Chaos Control to periodically occur. Do not mistake these for Lag Spikes or Connection Errors, as we have also upgraded from Dedicated Servers to Fully Dedicated Dial-Up Servers. Our philosophy is that if it costs more, it must be worth more, and this is no exception.
  • Random Mode causes towers to appear, fire, disappear, move, and update the game at random times.
  • Express Mode can now be taken to-go.


  • Undead Creeps now reduce your lives when they revive.
  • Shield Creeps are now naturally invulnerable and become vulnerable only when you look at them. S-s-senpai, notice them!
  • Healing Creeps now stalk you at night, jump you when you're injured, and bandage that cut you got before it gets any worse.
  • Due to continuous advertisements, Ronald McDonald Creeps have been removed from the game.
  • Fixed a bug that allowed Icefrogs to die.
  • All the Time Lapse creeps just time-traveled to the future to stop the robot apocalypse.
  • Regeneration Creeps can now assimilate towers. Resistance is futile.
  • Speed Creeps have been removed from the game, due to speeding ticket costs.
  • Slow Creeps have been removed from the game for not making it on time.
  • Bulky Creeps now have been added back with Collision Detection. Should any of them touch your towers as they brush by, call the cops.
  • Fixed a major exploit that replaced Icefrogs with Stone Boars on Wave 1. We apologize for allowing you to win and will make sure every patch is balanced meticulously with carefully timed nerfs.
    • Eventually, we hope to add a delay time between the start of the game and Wave 1 that uses a countdown timer for Half-Life 3. However, due to our numbers system lacking the digits for such a timer to exist, development has been stalled as we work to develop a new language powered by a Quantum Computer.
  • When Creeps are threatened, the Avenger Creeps will assemble to save the day and help defeat your evil towers as they monologue their plans for maximum DPS.
  • Illusion Creeps have been added. They're just a figment of your imagination.
  • Time Lapse creeps have been renamed to Memory Lapse creeps. Every time they leak, they cause memory fragmentation and memory leaks. Wait, what's a memory leak? Who am I?
  • A new creep ty-
    • Time Lapse Creep from the future here, chariots chariots, the robot apocalypse is not real because it was destroyed by THE LEMONS.


  • Single Element
    • Fixed a bug that allowed Single Elements to get married.
    • Water Tower
      • It now quenches the thirst of creeps, causing them to stop for a moment and get a drink of water.
      • When you sell Water Tower, it now sells all of your other towers and randomly deletes random parts of code. Attempting to build another Water Tower will cause the mayor to denounce your ownership of the monopoly on water.
    • Fire Tower
      • It now sets itself on fire as it gradually burns to its own death.
    • Nature Tower
      • 5th Tier Tower has been added. Once you have 4 Pure Nature Towers you can merge them to summon Mother Nature herself, who will then summon a march of exploding penguins that destroy all creeps, narrated by Morgan Freeman narrating himself.
    • Earth Tower
      • Ability changed from mini-stunning creeps to being fabulously stunning to creeps. Every time an Earth Tower kills a creep, it poses for the camera and shows off its stunningly shiny rocks.
    • Light Tower
      • If the tower reaches 30 Stacks on a single creep, it will now call down the power of the stars themselves by first dropping the sun into the game. We do not guarantee your computer's safety as it approaches critical mass.
    • Darkness Tower
      • Now fires ninjas from within the shadows of its projectiles. If you can see them, it's because there's a knife in your back. If you can't see them, that's unfortunate. You might want to inspect the knife in your back.
  • Dual Element
    • Fixed an exploit that allowed Dual Elements to get divorced.
    • Fixed a bug that prevented Dual Elements from challenging each other to a D-D-D-D-DUEL!
    • Gunpowder
      • Now has a 10% chance to explode on firing due to shrapnel getting stuck in the gun. When it does explode, Sniper will scream "DE-NIED!".
    • Magic
      • Due to copyright issues from at least one thousand sources, it has been renamed to Imagination Tower. It now shoots whatever it dreams of, like a cream-filled alligator that fires heat-seeking killer bees while playing calm and tranquil screamo song. Imaaaaaagination!
    • Trickery
      • Tricks you into building a clone of itself, only to clone you and use your clone to take over in your place. Silly player, tricks are for kids!
    • Disease
      • It will now periodically cough, and the longer it lives, the sicker it gets. Do that tower a favor man and sell it now, put it out of its misery, you terrible, terrible person!
    • Poison
      • It has been arrested for giving Disease Tower cancer, and in its place, you appear to be vomiting. Here, just use a Darkness Tower instead, and have a knife time!
    • Blacksmith
      • Has been renamed to the John Smith Tower, and it is now the most generic tower in the game. It no longer increases the damage of other towers due to claims of slavery back when it was a Black Smith.
    • Quark
      • It can no longer attack due to have a Quark popped right up in its-
    • Moss
      • Now actively grows moss on nearby terrain to make it look nice and spiffy! However, it does react well with the Lava Sector, and instead sets both itself and all nearby towers on fire for adding oil to the flames. A warrant for Moss Tower's arrest has been made, but due to its ashes dispersing into the air, it has yet to be found.
    • Hydro
      • Has been upgraded with Hydraulic powers, enabling it to pressure blast enemies and pressuring them into quitting their jobs. The creeps claim they are underpaid, but their bounties prove otherwise.
    • Electricity
      • Standard attack replaced with Zeus' Thundergod's Wrath ability. You will now be blinded by strobe lightning faster than ever before.
    • Flame
      • Has been removed for the game for breaking forum rules. Seriously folks, don't flame, or you'll get burned.
    • Vapor
      • The fumes... I'm so high right now.
    • Life
      • Here at Unknown Company Name Accused of Ripping Off Nameless NPC Company Name, we believe in the proactive nature of restoring lives and defeating cancer. Now, Life Tower revives any creeps they shoot dead. Which then makes them... Undead?
    • Ice
      • Every time it fires, it plays a random variation of Let it Go from the wide assortment of the internet itself. In its full length. Every time, and even when the tower is gone. If you don't like it, that's too bad, you'll just have to let it go.
    • Well
      • Has been renamed from Well Tower to Good Tower. Had we not changed it, we would've risked time-traveling Grammar Nazis shooting the moon itself at us. We apologize for the inconvenience and are making sure it will never happen cause we're firing the sun at ourselves. ... wait-
  • Triple Element
    • Polygamy between elements is now legal.
      • Due to imbalance, Polygamy is no longer possible, but still legal.
    • Flamethrower
      • Has been renamed to Flame Chucker, in memory of our great Chuck Flamer, whose flamehouse kick could grill a steak to perfection faster than you can eat a chinchilla chihuahua.
    • Laser
      • Renamed to Taser Tower after supposed abuse issues with causing creeps to go blind. Please avoid pointing Laser Pointers at other people. It's not nice.
        • ... but it is fun!
    • Root
    • Muck
      • Aghanim's Scepter ability added: Now shoots its goo at all targets within 700 AoE of itself.
    • Runic
      • Unchanged.
    • Jinx
      • Due to being fed up with nerfs, it has equipped some new weapons and can switch modes. It also has a killer witchin' groovin' pop track playing at all times when firing.
    • Erosion
      • Has been removed from physics and the laws of nature itself due to Time being OP.
    • Obliteration
      • Has been renamed to Disaster Tower, its range limit removed, and its AoE scaling infinitely. Now, when it drops a 1000+ AoE attack, it will scream IT'S A DISASTAH!
    • Hail
      • Has been changed to Hell Tower and now drops the following on all enemies, towers, and builders (if on Lunatic Mode).
        • Hail
        • Lightning
        • Fire
        • Firetoads
        • Firetoad Meteors
        • Firetoads with Machine Guns that shoot Icefrog Meteor Missiles
    • Flooding
      • Puddles of water now last inifinitely, and once enough water has flooded the area, your Towers will go for a swim.
    • Money
      • Increases your Interest Rate by 2% / 4%. Each kill increases it again by 0.1% / 0.2%.
    • Quake
      • After a long wait of many years, Quake 5 has officially been announced! It will also include an anime mini-series and a full CG Movie, both of which are being produced by Reddit's DOTA Community. It will certainly cause a landslide at the box office!
    • Incantation
      • Has been changed to the Indentation Towers, moving any tower that's nearby by 4 spaces to the right.
        • And 4 more.
          • And 4 more.
            • And 4 more.
              • And 4-
    • Polar
      • Has been removed from the game for aiding in the attempt to flood our planet with Global Warming.
      • As Flooding has been found to be a co-conspirator, both have been removed from existence and replaced with Nameless NPCs.
        • Due to imbalance, Nameless NPCs have been removed from the game.
    • Ephemeral
      • Now lasts for 1 second before it automatically sells itself. You'll need to increase those edge-of-the-seat APM levels if you want to maximize its efficiency properly!
    • Nova
      • Has been changed to the Noya Tower, which now reprograms all creeps that come in contact with it to exit Noya's game and attack all other games. However, due to a temporal paradox involving Trickery Tower cloning Noya Tower and Noya himself into tricking the code to attack itself, Noya has inadvertently created an army to create another army to attack the original army into attacking himself, and he is now MIA.
        • In his place, DOTA 2's Bot Guy will be taking over as Element TD's Lead Programmer. He's expected to arrive when Half-Life 3 releases.
    • Windstorm
      • Has been changed to the Windstrike Tower. Simply having it prevents you from losing. However, due its high skill requirement and extreme lack of balancing, building one will instantly cause you to lose.
    • Impulse
      • Now attacks impulsively and preemptively, in an attempt to preempt the preemptiveness. This should help fix its late-game issues of being late for the game.
    • Tidal
      • When you start losing, she will sing Song of the Siren, and not stop. Additionally, all other towers you have will change to Tidal Towers and join the chorus, which progressively gets louder and louder until you win the game... by crashing your computer, breaking your speakers, and sending your ears to the hospital. The ocean would be proud.
    • Haste
      • Whirling Axes has been buffed allow its Infuriating stacks to hit other Builders, causing Raging Blindness, with the intention to fully blind other players.
      • Throwing Axes' Troll Physics is now proportionately based off your Networth. For every 100 Gold you have, it fires an extra Axe.
        • For every 1 Gold you don't have, it fires an extra Axe.
      • Fervor removes the maximum Attack Speed cap, and it passively grows over time.
      • HAX have been applied to just rain down Firetoads if you start losing. UMADBRO?
      • Battle Trance has been altered to Dance Trax. The faster Trol- I mean Haste Tower fires, the faster he dances, which gradually spawns singularities at random points in time and space, sucking up anyone and anything that fails to dance as fast.
        • Additionally, Global Annoyance now affects all creeps and towers, forcing them to dance.
        • Flame War has caused all towers and creeps in the game to be banned by forum rules.
  • Builder
    • Due to lack of use, it has been removed from the game.



It won't take enough time to apply those changes, so in the meantime, here's the changes we are applying:

  • All tower and creep abilities were tweaked a tiny bit. As we felt this change wasn't enough to impact the game significantly, we ended up not updating the Tooltips.
  • All towers now have 20,000 Range.


We hope we have addressed the elephant in the room with this patch in preparation for Elephant Towel Defense, fixing many of the balance issues that have plagued our existence.

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Glad to know you folks enjoy it... kinda. It seems there's a lot of negative reactions to the actual patch itself, so... expect 1.4 to come out for realsies later today. Still trying to balance test it.

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On a serious note, the speed wave are moving too fast. Instantly - 10 lives in the matter of seconds.


Nerf please.

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What's that, go faster? Well, I would "fix" that, but I've already moved on to Patch 1.4 stuff, so I can't patch up 1.322. Joke was fun while it lasted. Patch 1.4 should theoretically be up in a few hours, just waiting on some confirmation stuff mainly.

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Well, apparently we still have stuff to do for Patch 1.4, so I apologize on the wait on that. However, we ended up reverting back to Patch 1.3 for the meantime, so the unplayableness is now gone... save for some of the questionable balance issues of Patch 1.3, cough Nature Tower cough cough. Sorry 'bout breaking the game, folks!

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afaik this change from v 1.1 is not working, iirc it never did:

Each wave now has +5 base score per creep (+3 on express), making early waves have more value overall.

For example, on Classic, instead of Wave 1 giving '1 * 30' score, it now gives '6 * 30' score.


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